Daytime madness… Insanity Rocks!! But today I found a piece of me as an ugly wool crotchet hanging in the men’s wear section of this horrible imagination.

Fuck the existence of love. I’m wilding in the dust. Choking in the energy fueling my despair. Something must be wrong with the men I’m meeting daily.

Perfect is unattainable but I’m firing arrows like a professional archer yet hitting the hem!! Women are found in darkness? Pffft!!!! I beg to differ.

Men are carnivorous… Women likewise but the essence of love is care. In this case, putting disaster on a damn leash!!
Life functions with the most unprofessional laws.

What’s the justification for feelings you can’t control? Regardless of the infamous appeal called “self will”

Love shatters!! You don’t need to be heartbroken to feel the tiny pieces of glass falling in overwhelming silence. I’m sick!😤

Sex isn’t the issue. Commitment isn’t the restraint. It just sucks that very little bitty things can run one off sanity’s trail.

Like a niqqa taking too long to reply your damn text…[7mins to 2days? Fuck no! I ain’t no fucking stalker!!😡

Like a niqqa sending a virtual kiss smiley to some dumb retarded Caucasian!! [Niqqa that’s virtual fornication]

These things be stressing me out mehn! !! And I’m gon survive like a woman would… Channeling all the anger & energy into this project I’m working on.

God Bless these holy angels… I ain’t gon kill a niqqa…. No I ain’t buying no gun if it ain’t for animal hunting… I ain’t gon kill that bastard that I love!! Fucking handsome GOAT! 😂

NOW!! Reply My FUCKING TEXT!!!! 😡😡

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Ok, I have no intentions whatsoever of ruining this amazing piece with my bowl of uncreative alphabets…but I must say this is one of the sweetest things anyone has done lately….!!!!

For Vyne

This beatnik tune from a Siren dream,

Pithily reeled in verses divine,

For whom the gods make slippers of esteem,

Is but my beloved Midsummer Vyne.

Phosphoresced like rays from the rising sun

That heaves from east to settle west,

She found my insouciant nights undrawn

And there burned pre-morning’d rest.

Regina of mickle love, Muse of hearty treasures,

Someplace ‘tween blue tears and reddest roses,

Adroit in soft quaint and tough voguish pleasures

From when the fairest of thighs uncloses;

She’s bringer of many where naught remains:

An inexhaustible well of loveliness

To which no pail descends without coming up again

Filled with gold aplenty, and with goodness.

This child, for whom the solstices apprehends

The season, whose maxims sings divine,

Witted beyond what cool reason comprehends,

Is but my beloved Sweetsummer Vyne.

By Voke Pella
@VokePella

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POST TYPE: Fiction.

I feel like today needs an honest post.. Like one controlled by the left janitor of mind – The heart.

On an impulse control disorder..I light up… making finishing touches on my hairline and make up.. It sure confuses me how one man can change my resilient decision to not go anywhere today… He’s almost a text away from forcing out my vulnerability that it nearly feels like I’m doing it because I want to..

More confusing because, I never do anything that conflicts with self-will…now look at me believing that I’m meeting up with this man because that’s what I want.

Too late to even imagine getting out this short white dress and beige heels.. Through my high eyes, I knew I was too dressed for a man who barely paid attention to anything that wasn’t at least between the thighs.

I’m struggling to keep my eyes open so I hurry out so I can make it to his’ before I pass out.. Abnormally, the cab man had kept to time…

I sat on the right end of the backseat, pushing my face against the turbulent evening breeze.. & I just kept thinking about this man I was going to meet.

Let me bring you to speed… This probably was the only man that could get me out of bed at 3:AM!!! I knew he liked me but he never showed any form of vulnerability to me. Not even while we fucked. He could do the most random things that can make you feel like he does feel a thing or two.

But you know, nothing beats “saying it” .. He still never lets those guards down. He tortured my relationship with Ryan till it ended last week…. After sex he wants sleep. After sex i want to hold him, snuggle beneath the sheets. Well….Never happened.

So I was busy 6hours ago brooding over my breakup with this guy who actually gave a shit about me, but I was too busy loving someone who impresses me easily because my heart wants him… wanted him..

OK!

The cab man’s voice interrupts my thoughts… Niqqa was asking what turn we should make & we were on a bridge? I knew I had to be more awake at least to get there alive.

6 mins without being delayed at the checkpoints in front & we’d be there.

……

I got in and as usual he was pretending to not notice that I walked in… I walked up to his mirror stand to take out the earrings & neckpiece I was wearing and I watched him from the mirror. He turned abruptly to face me.. I was too high to care what his intentions were..

I unzipped the dress and got out of it still wearing the heels.. Usually sex was at his call. So I walked up to him kissed him & put two pillows to prop him up in position for a head.. He pulled his shorts down and kissed me like he hadn’t seen me in years.. I knew I had to slow this up. Sex when you’re high is a blessing… Admittedly, one of the best feelings in the world.

& I was going to make him remember this all through the remaining half of the year… I’m usually extra superhuman when I’m way too high to think of what to do as opposed to doing it impulsively.

I took out the corset and let my boobs bounce to freedom. Then I put both to his face and he knew just what to do with them.. He moaned.. I exhaled…

Someone was already giving his feelings away.. Saying “tell me you missed this”…. Tell me you “want this”… I was too busy having an awesome time that replying didn’t even cross my mind.

My undefiled intention was to fuck him how he’d always fucked me… With no emotions but insanely.

So i raised his balls and kissed the flesh under and sucked it while I slowly massaged the sides with the fingers on my left hand. I hadn’t done anything to his dick and it was already rock hard and leaning forward voluntarily…

I held his dick and just massaged it… damn!! his facial expression was priceless. I slid it into my mouth with my lips curved inwards making an ‘O- shape’ he gasped like a “sisi”…

Then I pulled out the g-string and sat wet on his dick without letting it go in and I just wriggled over the tip and had the juice stream down the dick… He was going insane..

“Thought you had no damn emotions?” These were my thoughts at that moment.

I slid it all in a reverse cowgirl position so my back was his front view and he squeezed my boobs from behind and at a point, kept slapping them so they could wobble in fullness…

His heartbeat was all over the room…
I kept roc’n… He turned me over to my side and fucked me with colorful passion… He was kissing my earlobe & sucking on my neck & adoring me..

I turned him over & I climbed up again…this time facing him…he slid both hands beneath my ass and kept squeezing it while I rode him through planets.. Lol.

Then I let him ride my pussy from the doggie position then I squirt like the confluence of twelve seas.. He held me so fucking tight and fucked me hard till he was shaking right after me…

Then I pushed him off… & passed out…

I woke up earlier than he did.. only to see his hands wrapped around me… I chuckled quietly then I slid it off without waking him up…I got out of bed, took a shower.. Called a taxi and went home.

He didn’t text me. Didn’t call… & I honestly didn’t care if he did.

Few hours into the third day of the silent treatment, he sends a text…

” If I asked you to date me, would you take us serious?”

OMG!! I wanted to pass out!! “Asked” “date” “us” in one sentence?? This is a fucking good day!! I couldn’t breathe! I was too too speechless..

I waited 45mins to see if the text would disappear or to see if he would send a follow up text to say he sent it to a wrong number… Or to be sure i wasn’t dreaming or something..

It was all happening… 😊😊😊

I picked up my phone and replied..

“This is still vague… Because you haven’t still asked (: ”

& he replies….

“I care about you… Just so you know”

Tuesday evening & I’m having an unreasonably early outing with shots of tequila between the events earlier scheduled for 9pm yesterday.. Two research projects….. Don’t worry they are boring.. 😩

Won’t blame me… I’m tryna keep my skinny ass busy from all the madness going on with me and my emotional down moments (As I always call it) Lmfao!

This isn’t supposed to amuse me. But sadly my sense of humor died with my taste in men.

Ok. I won’t make headway if I continue rambling. So here’s the atmosphere at this lounge I’m in.

I’m sitting at the most secluded corner of this lounge I’m in, and this guy walks in with his girl… & I’m praying “lord not this seat by my left…” POW!! That’s where the two dumblings chose. And to think I came here to mourn lovelessness? Sigh nature is punishing me!!

Then he pulled out the chair for her! At this point my paperwork suddenly grew irritating to me. I felt like poop aired out under the sun. This girl obviously didn’t deserve this guy. Madness!!

For a second it was obvious that I was staring.. (At least to me) because they looked too into each other. And I swore to myself that I was going to sit here and find something wrong with their nearly perfect out.

He wore a corporate shirt and pants & he wasn’t even that HOT!! but If I ordered a refill of the tequila i was having he would look like Ryan Gosling. On the other half of the table, she was on this black Givenchy dress and the most recent release of the nude-colored court shoes by Christian Louboutin !!!!! – Ok! Now I get. nature brought me here to mock me.

I look down on my outfit and I see two colors fighting to gain prominence. LOL!…(I’m not even gonna put you through the details of this outfit)

…. I reconnect with staring… This girl was flawless! Caramel skin-tone, freshly done nails, amazing physique, classy outfit, nice dentition… Ok! Lets make an exception for overweight lips. 😂

Few minutes elapse and he makes an exit… To the bathroom maybe… But he left his phones on the table. [so I just figured that they were married] because nobody does that!!!

Oh well… She looks well schooled and mannered so she wouldn’t do what my guts told me she would…

He was taking too long to get back… Then she looked my way and sat still… Now I lost my trust in her. Girls understand girls & we can read body language like prose. I knew she had something up her sleeves… I wasn’t sure what.

Her phone rang out thrice.. Whoever was calling, made her look terrified. She picks up at the fourth and goes “Baby!! I’m working I said I’d call you back”.. Her tone was quite different from her outfit and how she spoke few minutes before her date left.. Hmmmn

Nature apparently, was teaching me few lessons other than to not eavesdrop on peoples business… I packed up my paperwork & gulped up the tequila left. I had learnt just enough..

I stood up.. And walked (slightly elegantly) out of the lounge… On my way out mentally replaying what had happened back in there…

And I realized that everyone has one dirty little secret keeping them away from enjoying something that feels nice enough to be…maybe just a good day, a good relationship or a good life….

And some people wanna actually move on from some habits but they are threatened by how perfect new relationships are supposed to be so they keep the truth away from the people they love, just because they don’t wanna ruin something good..

That’s what that 24mins in that lounge staring at that “perfect looking girl” taught me.

Some things are best experienced as the third person..💨👌

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“Once I Was Crazy About You”

For too long I lived in the eclipse of the sun..
Summer” was our season….
Gold” was every moment with U…
Often” was how frequent we spoke…..
Happy” was how each day ended……..
More amazing” was who U became…..

Once I Was Crazy About You…

I’d lay fingers on my screen hoping to make mere-alphabets look like pretty sentences…

My photographic memories of postcards from nights spent beside you

Each day was me dressing up for you…. Taking pictures of outfits & new-smiles..

For over “too-long” I had been your willing victim…

Until…

You let me shower in the rain…

Until…

You let me dance on thorns….

Until…

You let me sit-out flames…

Until…

You made me speak in silence & hate..

Until…

I no longer revered you..

Now I dream in fragments
Putting out the cigarette-buds on my skin..
And it still doesn’t hurt as much as you.

Now I’m holding more conversations with-self.
Eating dinner under gray lights…
Now I’m picking disjointed outfits..
Taking pictures of black & white

Now ‘summer‘ is just one of climate’s emotions..
Now ‘nights‘ are ghosts-trek
Now ‘sentences‘ are ugly alphabets..

Once again, I’m waking up next to me.. Once again, I’m surviving by a ‘count-down’ of the days I lived without you..

Once Again I’m Drifting Into Days In Clear Vision because the intentional ‘suicide’ called ‘sleep’ never happened…

XoXo

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It’s easier to act all “bullet-meets-proof” when you’re worn from going-door-to-door writing a premature biography on the death-note leveled against you by people you barely know..

Until today, at the end of the tunnel of the this quote—>”People will judge anyway”. Was my ‘indifference’.
Now 2:06AM,…..I’m face-to-face with my iPhone screen nodding in affirmation.

Some people are like me. Bitter at night & bubbly during the day. [What pain that must kill us daily as we lay king-sized minds on oval shaped globe-pillows of societal scrutiny.

I’ve have had strangers define me by standards lower than my idea of “A-Committable-Sin”….
People who I’d barely recognize in a room full of ‘just’ ‘me’ & ‘them’….

Recants of me sleeping with men I’m hearing their names for the first time…
I wake up daily under societal & moral scrutiny…

Of Who’s bad? & Who isn’t?
Sinners picking pebbles.. I fall faced down. Pebbles now…who knows.. Bricks later. -Maybe.

I’ve been in relationships with men who ‘allegedly’ fucked me on the first date…[Strangers spewing stories from the synopsis of group-imagination]

I’ve stolen men from their partners & remained unapologetic…? – [I’m crucified in the Golgotha of undeserved pain]

I’ve been drunk-fucked…[Regardless that I do not drink? Lol!]
Funny how strangers tell the best tales…
[Heavens genuine gesture called —> “Imagination” [being grossly abused]

From wrestling with the society for my identity, I’m losing my self. My confidence.

So I’m guessing this is the unlucky part of being free-spirited…
I’m guessing It’s the unwholesome-end of being too punctual for occasions that concern you..

…Unarguably the price you pay for being as human as you can be.

Shitty thing is that you lose friends not knowing why…
[Can you blame individuals salvaging their reputations from the heat of the society?] – I think not.

Myself ain’t never talked to me like this before…
The society is a parody of their own reflection.. The only leverage would have been people who “know” you….

Who knows who? Public opinion is the easiest biography/veto on man’s existence.

-So to clear the air, I am my own defense attorney.

Let them think what they may
Let them merge alphabets & carve sentences. The truth is simple. Anyone may have been anything in ‘calendars-past’… But you can only account for the time you’ve spent with them.

If only strangers realized that “not-easily-broken” may eventually fail in its durability. Then people would make it easier for the grossly misunderstood persons to live.

It’s 2:21AM…..
Can. I. Live??

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POST TYPE: FICTION

Your silence, your egocentrism.. these things, they mystified you. The way you minced compliments, the way your gaze met my nude art with no interest, it made me want to take two-nights off just to figure you out…

I used to turn you on with ease…. Fondling my parts made you horny & although I couldn’t define who or what I meant to you, I was happy each time I was with you..

Time is making me an unnecessary want, age is making my body run out of firmness… Whatever it was that got you the first time in a room full of Caucasians of carefully crafted figures, whatever it was that made you fuck me like you needed this body for fulfillment.. I’m figuring it out tonight…

Nov 17. 2012.
A Blue long sleeve top with a low back and my favorite True Religion Jeans was all i wore. Pony tail, court shoes, bracelet. I was calm & I listened more than I spoke… Was that what you fell for?

I was calm until spliff went deep across the bridge of sanity & oneness… I pulled your pants down… High af… Racing my hands across your balls… Sucking on your dick….. You loosened up. Admittedly none before me had done better. You loved how I squeezed on your nipples & sucked on one while I was pussy grinding in a parallel position helplessly over your body.

I sucked your ass. I ate it good. I was me with you. I fingered your butt hole. Nothing was disgusting to me as long as it was for you. I loved how mysterious you were so I kept coming back. Few steps after we’d shut the door to privacy… I’d go down on you.. I’d hear you exhale… As the tenderness of my lips traced the length and entire size of your dick.

You’d turn me… Fuck me. Sit me on the couch race-ride in me, we’d talk as friends, laugh at stupid things, you’d give the most amazing massage & then I’d fall into a deep trance of the possibilities of a “you” with “me”… If I made you so happy, why couldn’t you stay?

I mounted the cards on the table… I was going to fix this puzzle… I was going to make sense out of this fuck buddy status.. I failed so many times… I’d say “fuck him” but deep across two rail-paths of my mind, I missed you. You had become my friend. Not hearing from you could ruin a potentially good evening.. I’d call you, you’d choose when & how to answer. I’d text you, I was becoming too irritating to you. You had seen too much of me.. Lol…

Then I sleept longer than the usual 7hours I’m lucky to sleep for & I woke up different. I was tired. Tired of everything. I honestly was slowly getting a hang of what your best game was… The pieces of this puzzle was almost coming together. & I wasn’t even doing a lot. You were showing “you” daily.

I took a pen and scribbled 10 reasons why I fell for you…. Then across each. I realized that for each ‘special’ way you treated me, some chick elsewhere had her story too. For each way you rewarded me, several others had serial-stories… I saw you as a friend, they did too.. So it hit me…. There’s nothing different about me. LOL!!

But I wasn’t mad. I honestly wasn’t upset. I was worried how I’d cope without you… What we had was dope!! But then i remembered who I was before you came through, I remember I was just that nasty girl, that rude tiny being, I had nothing, but I was happy, I was loyal to my niqqaz, I never wore a single outfit to impress anyone, I never for once let feelings seep through the bed linen. I did whatever i wanted, i spoke to people according to their sins.. I was bad cos i wanted something more out of life. Youthful exuberance was a plus too.

Now I think back to the times I’d call you and you were too busy. Times I’d be fucking another niqqa & my heart is with you, times when I’d feel crippled cos I could do nearly nothing without mentioning your name. I was consumed by you. But after figuring you out, I realized that you were just like every other niqqa probably weaker… Scared of being betrayed, scared of being taken for granted, scared of being manipulated…. I realized that my speculations about you were mine ‘exclusively’ and that you are indeed capable of many other things I may not easily comprehend.

So, no matter how much you flood my TL, no matter how much I’m forced to remember you, one thing is clear, I’m never sucking that dick, if all the girls can have you, you’re also not much of challenge.

Your Fuck Buddy.
✌❤ Haile.